The Worst Kitchen Gadget in the World

Almost every foodie worth their salt, including those who hang onto every word by that scary, bow-tied gent, adore their Microplane zester. The rasp-style graters have turned zesting into one of the hottest fads of the new millenium.

(Did anyone catch those steamy photos of Vince and Jen zesting lemons on their balcony? Or Brad and Angelina passing time until the baby came, grating orange zest for God-knows-what-those-wacky-lovebird were going to bake up?…Keep it in the kitchen, guys, okay? Or how about the worst culprit of them all; Britany almost dropping hers while the cameras snapped away? That girl is unfit for zesting, if you ask me.)

But in non-celebrity news, I just got the best non-kitchen gadget from Microplane…

In case you’re wondering why I’m so excited (or maybe you’re not, but if you’re reading this far, I’m assuming you are…or you’re just indulging me), this is the a Foot File. It’s not something you use in the kitchen. And if you do, please don’t invite me for dinner. Mine’s staying in the bathroom, just in case you get invited over.

But for those of us who spend a lot of time on our feet, it’s pretty easy to develop leather-like skin. I ordered one of these green-meanies, knowing that anything from Microplane would likely exceed my expectations, but I didn’t realize that within 30 seconds, 30 years of hard-earned callouses would disappear right down the non-proverbial drain.

One use, and bam!, my whole foot-care world turned upside-down.
I don’t know what to believe anymore (which may also be from watching White House press conferences, as well.)

I won’t go into the skin-cell-by-skin-cell details here, since you already know enough about me, but with sandal season coming, I’m going to be able to walk proudly down the streets and boulevards of Paris this summer. So forget anything you ever knew before about my foot care regime and get one of these. You won’t regret it. And remember; keep it out of the kitchen.

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  • Ash
    June 3, 2006 12:06pm

    Oh, I *SO* want one of those. I have awful feet that require hours and hours of care. I wonder if sells these (or if they ship to Holland).

  • June 3, 2006 1:22pm

    Your feet are important. And now we can rest comfortably knowing you are strolling around Paris with beautiful feet.

    Where are the pictures?

  • June 3, 2006 1:53pm

    Omigod, sleek zesty feet in strapless sandals pounding the pavement while eating chocolate!? I think I need to order one of these.

  • June 3, 2006 3:01pm

    What a great thing to share. Thank you.

  • Liza
    June 3, 2006 3:19pm

    Oh my god ! HOW did you know ? That little thing might actually change my life. I will be forever grateful, David…

  • gastronomica
    June 3, 2006 7:58pm

    I just got one of these, too, and they are TRULY fantastic! You will never again need those scary callous slicers. There’s little danger of cutting yourself, and unless you go really crazy, your feet won’t be tender afterwards, either. The only freaky part is seeing just how much skin it grates off, like so much dessicated coconut…

  • Carter
    June 4, 2006 7:18am

    I saw a movie once where the gangsters were robbing a train. They went down the isle of passengers and looked at everyone’s hands before taking their valuables and cash.

    The robber came to one man, looked at his hands and said “I don’t rob the working man.” And passed him on.

    Why is it beautiful to look like your body has never been used?

  • June 4, 2006 7:21am

    Bless you David, your writing makes me laugh, not just smile, and that’s a big mitzvah, Thanks.

  • June 4, 2006 8:00am

    Thanks for the tip!

    About 6 years ago, I bought my first microplane fine grater and it really looked like something you’d find in a hardware store. I use it for zesting everything (try grapefruits!) and cheeses. It’s so handy, but I never imagined they’d develop a foot grater.

    I might be the only one, but the though scares me a little.

  • June 4, 2006 11:56pm

    “like dessicated coconut…”

    God I’m hungry!

  • June 5, 2006 2:49am

    Kevin: Interesting idea, but who’d clean up the, er, mess?

    Ash: I know Microplane ships to France, but I had someone bring mine from the US since they’re cheaper.

    Matt: It’s actually more like Parmesan…if that’s any more appetizing.

    Eyal: All the comments make me laugh as well!

    Deb: I admit, I was a bit scared, because of how effective the zesters were. But one or two strokes, and I was a convert to another gadget.

    Tana: Aw, shucks…literally!

    Carter: If I ever get held up on the train, I’ll keep my feet out of sight. Thankfully (depending on who you talk to) my hands still have lots of visible wear-and-tear.

    Liza: Bon Chance!

    Callipygia: Enjoy!

  • June 5, 2006 11:28am

    Uhm, TMI.

  • Amy
    June 5, 2006 11:52am

    Ok, so far I’ve gotten everything you suggest on your posts. I guess I will get this too. I can see it drawing blood though!! I will perservere. I’ll thank you now for my smooth feet.

  • Judy
    June 5, 2006 12:53pm

    I bought one a year ago, different style so they must have changed it. Mine has a handle to hold. It is wonderful and my feet always look nice now. I do mine outside but living in Denver sometimes in the winter, its the bathtub. Everyone needs one and hope you all enjoy. Thanks David for a superb site, I love it.

  • anne
    June 5, 2006 1:48pm

    david! i just got one through your link above. i hope it changes my life too, hahahah! :)

  • June 5, 2006 4:15pm

    Great footnote! 8>)

  • June 5, 2006 6:35pm

    i must order this now!

    i did almost buy a lovely microplane for zesting yesterday but managed to fight the urge.

  • Alisa
    June 6, 2006 7:07am

    Cool, thanks for the hot tip.

  • Lisa
    June 6, 2006 4:37pm

    First the screw on the KitchenAid, now this. Good god man, what other life-changing marvels are keeping hidden up your sleeve?

  • sarah
    June 6, 2006 4:47pm

    wait wait wait….what is this screw on the kitchenaid lisa is talking about? i need to get one of these foot thingies for my husband…

  • June 6, 2006 5:14pm

    I must enjoy grossing myself out because I’ve returned to this post over 5 times. What is wrong with me? is it a cry for podiatric attention?

  • cathy
    June 7, 2006 3:24am

    Any chance of actually buying one of these in Paris or do I have to wait for it from Amazon?

  • June 7, 2006 3:37am

    Judy: There are 2 different styles. But there isn’t a choice when you order through Amazon. But I believe they send the ‘professional’ one, which is the one I wanted (shown).

    Sarah: Search the archives for my KitchenAid visit entry to learn more!

    Amy: No pain, no gain! Actually it was quick and clean. In litigious America, no company’s gonna come up with anything unsafe, believe me.

    Cathy: I think you can get one from the Microplane web site in Europe if you search for it on Google. They do cost a more, though. If you do find a source in Paris (bon chance!), let us know.

    Matt: You should’ve seen the aftermath! It made snails and animal heads look like a dainty tea party.

  • June 7, 2006 9:47am

    David, I have NO doubt about that :)

  • June 8, 2006 5:17am

    I had developed some fairly hefty heel callouses which didn’t bother me in the least, but after an hour of walking on the beach and playing in the sand, they’re all gone. No gadget required.

    So, for those less likely to want to take what seems to be a fancy grater to ones feet, go to the beach (and I mean a real sandy beach, not sure if you get those in France).

  • June 8, 2006 7:10am

    Ouch. $21.95. Still, I could always put it on the wish list and hope the sugar daddy husband notices it…

    No,let’s be real: he’s never going to buy me a foot grater.

    How do you FIND these things?? ; )

  • June 9, 2006 5:11pm

    Ouch – that metal zester looks to scary to let it go anywear near my feet!!! I’ll stick with my Body Shop foot file.
    I may, however, consider getting a Microplace zester for my kitchen. Which one comes with your seal of approval?

  • Andi
    June 30, 2006 7:40pm

    love love reading your blogs..(*)¿(*)…
    I love your chocolate book!!!..
    I’m always playing in chocolate,but I just had to comment on the non-kitchen gadget you found in France…….
    When we were in Hong Kong and Japan I went into the Japanese Department store and found the neatest gadgets*..especially all their electronic ones..
    I still use the bread machine..:-) all the time.. ,but lol….I too I bought a foot like pumice stone while I was there…well since you are in that walking zone mode state,it ended up being my friends favorite gifts that I brought back……but yours looks is so much better then the ones I found…the Japanese glue never stay glued… lol…..time to toss it…and not into my bread machine..
    I will look for this one for sure…
    Keep on blogging*….
    love it, love it….

  • July 5, 2006 3:05pm

    Glad you’re all enjoying your beautiful new feet just in time for summer!

  • s'kat
    July 8, 2006 8:51pm

    I ordered one from Amazon on your advice, due to my insufferable soles.

    Thus far, I’ve had it for one night, and it seems to be earning its keep quite well. Benne, dude, molto benne!