The Worst Cheese in the World

Perhaps it’s wrong to blame the cheese.
But cheese doesn’t have any feelings, it’s just exists for our pleasure.
So for once I don’t have to worry about offending anyone on my blog. Now that’s a relief.

A friend of mine came for dinner the other night who’s on le regime, a diet. While shopping at the supermarket I spotted this reduced-fat cheese, checked out the short list of ingredients on the reverse (which listed no icky ingredients), so I tossed it in my handbasket and headed to the checkout.

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I got home, unwrapped it and immediately my apartment smelled rather, um, funky.
And not like that good-funky that a fabulously-ripe camembert or brie smells like, but a vaguely familiar funky, with a smell that I couldn’t put my finger on it. When my friend arrived a bit later (who’s quite refined and sophisticated, and lives in the swank place des Vosges), she removed her Hermès jacket and scarf, took a whiff then looked at the sorry specimen, screwed up her face, and said, “Ugh. That smells like a fart.”

If you happen to be eating cheese while reading this, sorry about the analogy.

And before you pooh-pooh low-fat, there’s a long list of low- or non-fat items that rock our world: pink marshmallow Peeps, dried sour cherries, gumdrops, Berthillon’s bitter chocolate sorbet, prunes, candy corn, rice, meringue, pasta, cranberry sauce, matzoh, Cracker Jack’s, dark brown sugar, Jewish rye bread, dried-out leftover turkey breast meat, sushi, and orange-flavored Chuckles.)

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But this cheese was indeed the worst cheese I’ve ever come across.
It had absolutely no flavor. But still, I kept it on my kitchen counter for a few days pondering another use for it. Perhaps macaroni and cheese? Melting it for a sandwich?
I hate throwing anything away, especially food…after all, I am my mother’s son.

That was my first and last experience with fromage allegé. Finally after a few aromatic days I suffered in my apartment, I tossed it. I’m sticking with the real thing. If you’re going to live in France, why bother with anything else?

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13 comments

  • November 22, 2005 1:58pm

    merzer! (i’m a brat, aren’t i?) a fart? that’s insulting to a fart! i would say what I think it smells like but that might offend some people, so i’m just gonna leave it at that. :P

  • November 22, 2005 5:12pm

    Hey man, i wrote about cheese that smells like farts on my blog a couple of weeks ago. Check out my take on the whole situation under the post “Cutting the Royal Blue Stilton Cheese” at http://www.fartmuffler.blogspot.com

    p.s. your fresh shelling bean salad is da bomb

  • Jay
    November 22, 2005 9:44pm

    what kind of cheese would you recommend for those who haven’t got a clue except their sense of smell?

  • November 23, 2005 5:42am

    Ooh, I had a similar experience with the boulette d’Avesnes. Until then, I thought it was impossible to meet a cheese I wouldn’t like:

    http://www.toomanychefs.com/archives/000975.php

  • November 23, 2005 5:44am

    oh, stinky cheeses, good stinky ones, from france, are always the best… i love visiting the cheese counter and asking for un petit gout, then buy a whole chunk! ;)

  • November 23, 2005 9:21am

    David,

    Here’s my stinky cheese story: http://seriouslygood.kdweeks.com/2005/04/sidewalk-meals.html

  • November 23, 2005 12:35pm

    All hail the almighty pink Marshmallow Peeps!

  • Alisa
    November 24, 2005 11:49am

    In the Jeopardy category of fabulous first literary lines, “Perhaps it’s wrong to blame the cheese” is a $500 answer.

  • November 24, 2005 12:10pm

    Your post made me laugh out loud ;) I just bought some *strange* smelling camembert, but I cannot recall its name for the life of it (something like Courtages, Courtageres?)… I had to put it in a sealable Ziploc bag right after the first day (probably not the best place to keep it), the whole fridge smelled already more than *odd*. One of the few occasions when I place ground coffee on a plate inside, to finally get rid of the cheese’s devise. Successfully!

  • Gideon
    November 25, 2005 5:53pm

    You bought low fat cheese? shame on you! You’re lucky they didn’t didn’t revoke you carte de sejour for that. The French are very particular about their cheeses.

  • November 26, 2005 6:56pm

    Better eat no cheese instead of eating a low-fat one!!! I love real and stinky cheese from Switzerland or France, and that means that no diet spicimen will ever end up on my table…

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