Pimping for Prizes

Well, if that doesn’t scare away the riff-raff, those of you who are left have a spectacular chance to win a slew of equally-spectacular prizes in Menu for Hope V. This is the home stretch of the benefit and we’re up to $18k $22,445 $25,175 $52,131, last time I checked, which is terrific, but far short of last year’s $92k. Which means that some of you may have passed over a chance to win one of the prizes.

So I thought I’d use something no one can resist to get your attention: S-e-x.

I mean, how about cool would it be having this vibrating Cuisinart ICE-50 Ice Cream Maker in your bedroom, like I do?

Win This Ice Cream Machine!

This sturdy mother-of-all home ice cream machines will satisfy you like no man or woman, or either (depending…) could ever do. I mean, you just press a button and in about forty minutes you’re on your way to bliss. And seriously, you can’t expect that with every Tom, Dick or Harry…or Harriet.

And ladies, there’s no batteries to run out at the wrong time, either.
; )

Can one even put a price on that?

Also included is a rock-hard copy of The Perfect Scoop, the hottest book around on ice cream. So go bid on that prize, UW05.

I’m gonna be discreet and don’t want to reveal what prizes I’ve bid on, but here’s a few I’ve seen that are getting me a little hot under the collar…

  • If you know what’s good for you, you’ll bid on Sara’s Basket of Italian and French goodies. I used her fabulous nut nectar when I churned up my luscious balls of Pistachio Gelato. This is one full basket, and it can easily be yours. Prize EU07

  • Do you dream about spending a day with a hot, hunky Latino dude? He’s got a bit of thing for photography as well as something for big, juicy burritos, too, if that’s your thing. This is your chance to spend a day with him. But if that’s not enough, he’s got two stylin’ babes there to show you how to manipulate food into positions you’ve only dreamed were possible. Prize UW01

  • And if you’d like a little lubrication…actually, make that a lot of lubrication (I don’t know if you’ll need it, but it never hurts to have plenty on hand…) the boy-with-the-burrito is offering a slew of O Olive Oils in every scent and flavor. Prizes UW02 and UW03

  • I’m not one to judge, but if ferries are your thing, Anita’s offering an amazing basket (What is with those women offering their baskets? Who knew they even had baskets?) of goodies from the San Francisco Ferry Plaza Farmer’s Market. There’s Scharffen Berger Chocolate, Rancho Gordo beans, and Peet’s Coffee to revive you the morning after. But I don’t recommend eating Rancho Gordo beans the morning before. Trust me. Prize UW07

  • Brett is my man. I’m into monogamy, and not usually into sharing, but if you want to partake in a little San Francisco-style group action, he’s offering dinner for six at his all-new San Francisco hot-spot, Contigo. With Brett tweaking and titillating those knobs on his stove with expert precision, you and your friends will fall prey to his seductive cuisine. Prize UW14

  • Speaking of chefs, the hottest chef in the country is David Kinch. (Although his girlfriend isn’t any slacker in the ‘spicy’ category either.) How would you like to be pampered by him for a whole glorious evening in a dimly-lit alcove at Manresa? And if you really want to get down-and-dirty, you’ll also get a tour through his biodynamic garden of earthy delights. Prize UW19

  • French men have a…um…randy reputation, and Serge the Concierge is no exception. He’s willing to seduce you with his big, fully-engorged box of chocolates. No word on whether he’s going to come by and feed them to you, one-by-done. But if not, there’s enough chocolates in there so that you shouldn’t have trouble finding someone to come over, French or otherwise, and share them with. Prize UE17

  • And while we’re on the subject of French objects of our affection, who doesn’t like a Frenchwomen who’s willing to give us a look at some lovely lingerie? Well, get your minds out of the gutter…and into the kitchen. Clotilde is offering a set of spanking-new lingerie cookie cutters so you can bake up a batch of buttery biscuits. Oh-la-la! Prize EU10

  • She’s sassy. She’s sexy. And she’s swingin’ your way with a stiff, white KitchenAid Mini-Prep Food Processor. This handy little fella will make quick work of those nuts and berries, I’m telling ya. I know some of you out there are always on the search for the ‘big boys’, but sometimes those little ones surprise you. And this guy is no exception. Prize UE35

  • Did someone say bulging sacks? Deb’s got ’em. Plenty of ’em. And she’s willing to share. Prizes UE25 and UE26

  • Dorie may be sweet, but her baking books are the best way I know of to get down-and-dirty with her. With pastry-master Pierre and Paris-mistress Pat, she’s got three autographed cookbooks by this tempting trio. Prize UE32

  • Potty-mouthed chef David Chang puts his money where his mouth is (which, in my days, would have been washed out with soap and water) with an impressive dinner for eight at Ssäm Bar. Raw oysters and a generous helping of his famous butt are yours to share with you and your cohorts. Prize UE15

  • If you need to get-away, I can’t imagine a more impressive place for a discreet encounter, or dinner and a wine-tasting, than Chateau Marmont in the Hollywood Hills. (Although neither could Lindsay Lohan and Sam—and look where it got those lovebirds.) And yes, it’ll be hard to escape the paparazzi and keep a low profile with chef Carolynn Spence fawning all over you. Go, then tell me all about it. I’m into seconds. Prize UW28
  • And if you need a little belt or two to get you in the mood, over at Vinography there’s everything from a two-night sleep-over at Meadowood Resort in Napa Valley, to going head-to-head with New York Time wine expert Eric Asimov.

  • If you’re interested in going down, as in down under, there’s a bevy of boys and girls in Australia (and Asian) giving away their goodies, everything from a behind-the-scenes visit at a photo shoot (do I even have to tell you what goes on behind the camera? especially considering what goes on around here when I’m snapping food photos…oooh…) to a invigorating massage and personal training session, where you’ll get your turgid muscles kneaded and worked into a heart-pumpin’ frenzy.
  • Got a thing for nice Jewish boys? Thank goodness, for without you, I, and Adam, would be lost. But just in case you’d like a little menage-à-trois goyim action, you can watch one of the three Iron Chefs in action as a guest at a taping of their show in New York City. Prize UE27

Ok, did I offend any of you, or miss any of you? Yes, I certainly did. Don’t get mad, get relief by checking out the whole list of prizes at the site of Pim, our prize mistress: Menu for Hope V.

After all, it’s just ten bucks a shot—Bid Now!

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  • Susan
    December 21, 2008 3:47pm

    Oh..David. Ah-ha haha Hoho haha Ha…only you…ehem..would have the chootz to go there…love it!

  • December 21, 2008 5:42pm

    Hahahahah! I am working on a post for pimping for prizes, but I don’t think I can duplicate your efforts! hahaha!

    But seriously, folks, these are some great prizes!

  • December 22, 2008 6:56am

    David, do you know I almost could not get this post to download? And I don’t even have net babysitting software on.

    Agreed these are great prizes, but although your ice cream machine is exactly what I need, I am not sure I can lift it in and out of the car, whereas an ice cream boy could walk, no?

  • December 22, 2008 12:08pm

    Jeez David, you only left out the most delicious Chicago food package! :) If you like ribs, Chicago deep dish pizza, hot dogs and cheesecake! Well then bid on prize UE39 from Chew on That blog!

    Hooray for Menu For Hope!

  • December 23, 2008 12:07pm

    You crack me up. But I can’t believe you let Sarah’s nut nectar go with nary a wink and nod.

  • December 23, 2008 1:04pm

    Now THAT’s good food porn!!

    You’re giving me a run for my money, David (I write erotica on the side).
    Your hot, dripping, sex talk has sold a few more raffle tickets… to me!!!!

    And, btw…. I am very much into nice Jewish boys – one Parisian-dwelling sweet thing, in particular! Hence all the gushing love letters from me in his comments box.

    Alas, I’m a good + monogamous + married + girl (well, these days anyways, but in my last life I was a wildly perverted bi-sexual, swinging, transsexual dominatrix). I only write like a slut. ; )

    Happy Hannukah, you sweet thang!!!


    ~ Paula
    (of Ambrosia Quest)

  • Snowpea
    December 23, 2008 9:58pm

    Ah, thanks for the reminder: I bought my raffle tix yesterday. :-)